The Spectator
by Kuipher
Summary: A visitor here, this is not home" A Story about love; liquor; loss and trust. A/O written from my own pocket of hell.
1. I am The Spectator

My second A/O. I hate sonfics, but this song has literally been stuck in my head for a month, and I had to do something with it. The song is _The Spectator_ by The Bravery. I just fell in love with their cd and all of the songs remind me of Alex and Olivia; especially this one and _Hatefuck_. Go listen to the new album Stir the Blood. It's simply amazing. This was supposed to be an oneshot, but then I came up with a second chapter, then I was like "oh, fuck it" This Story relates on experiences, current emotions. I know it's not long. I am writing the new chapter as we speak.

**disclaimer: **I don't own jack. (What else is new?)

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The Spectator.

_"I am the spectator..."_ she whispered in to her sleeping ear. "_I can see the world passing right from here…"_

She moved closer, taking the brunette in her arms. Her silhouette is cast by the moonlight. The foreign light darkens her profile. Olivia can never see her face, but she knows it's her. +

It's her lover; it's her life that is now cuddling up to her. It is her blond that left so long ago. It is her sanity that breaks every time Alex whispers in her ears: "…_and_ _I was never even here at all…"_

_

* * *

_

Then as easily as Alex came, she vanishes; she moves back, flies away, and never ever comes back to her.

Every night the blond backs away from her kissing her on the cheek and vanishes in to the wind. Alex was dust in the wind. Alex was there to make every night hell for Olivia.

Every night it was the same dream, always repeating and never ending. Every night Olivia wakes up in sweat, screaming and crying.

She was the one always trying to forget. Olivia is always is trying to go back to the time when she lost sleep over her victims, not her lover that has been gone for almost three years.

Since Alex has been gone, Olivia has not slept normally. No, these dreams did not start right away. They only started about four months ago.

They started when she thought she saw her. That is when all the emotions that the strong women kept deep, deep down erupted into a three-night binge-drinking affair.

No, this was not like Olivia. Olivia was the one who held Alex after a bad day at work. Olivia was the strong one who never showed any weakness at all. Olivia was the one who was +

crying every single night until the sleeping pills kicked in. Olivia was the one who was broken and could not be put back together again…

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r&r? S'il vous plaît?

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	2. I can see the world passing by from here

So here is the second chapter, as promised. Thank you to everybody who reviewed. It means a lot that somebody just read this pile of lesbian angst, no less commented and faved it. :D

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Alex stood at _her_ door. She fingered the key that she was left with so long ago. Yes, it was three years and four months ago, that Alex had seen her. She missed everything. Alex missed the detective's face, her arms, her mouth, her hair. Alex missed the way she awoke to find her in her arms. She missed making her coffee, and the simple domestic bliss that came with knowing that somebody in this world loves you.

She just stood there a silently cried. What was she thinking? She could not possibly come in and expect everything to be better. She could not expect that the _other_ women beyond that door would simply disappear now that Alex had the strength to confess. She needed to confess why she hadn't bothered to call after she had seen Olivia for the first time four months ago. Before Alex saw her with that other woman at that café, she had all the reason to come up here and regain her place right next to Olivia. After that day, Alex knew that Olivia was better off without her. Therefore, she never attempted to reconnect with Olivia. Nevertheless, she did miss her. She missed her so badly it hurt.

Alex never slept anymore. Always screaming herself awake, and crying herself back to sleep. That's how it was every single night.

Nothing helped, not all the alcohol and sleeping pills in the world could make Alex forget the life she used to have. Every night soaked in fine liquor, she stumbled back to bed. Only to be awakened by memories of so long ago.

Alex whispered in her sobs, "…_and I was never even here at all. I am the spectator... I am the spectator…_"

That is exactly what the new Alex was. Alex was TheSpectator. All she did was stand there, watching passively by. She could not move, she could not talk, and she could not breathe. All she could do was watch; watch as her life slowly fell apart once again. She was ready to regain everything that was taken away from her. However, she couldn't do anything about it; because Alex was now The Spectator.

Her hands were shaking as she fumbled with the correct key. She slowly inserted the key in its designated slot and turned. All rational thought was gone now. She didn't care about a misdemeanor B&E. damn it, she was going to see Olivia.

As the doorknob turned and the door slowly opened, she was engulfed in the sent that was Olivia's home. It was if everything was the way Alex had left it. Nothing new, nothing less. It looked like time was frozen in place. Frozen in a place that was waiting for her to come back home. She turned down the hallway and once she had reached Olivia's door she stopped. It was open and when she looked in nobody but Olivia was in the bed. If it weren't for the rational fact that the other woman just wasn't sleeping over yet, this moment would have been perfect. This is how their lives were supposed to be. It was just them, alone in their apartment, living happily ever after. After seeing her lover sleeping, Alex was now content. She smiled because now she could finally let go of the burden and guilt that she once carried for Olivia.

She turned around and started to walk away when she heard Olivia cry. She turned back around and walked closer towards the bed. She _was_ crying. Then Olivia softly sobbed out _"Alex…"_ The ADA was frozen. She did not know what to do, but the only thing she could think about doing is what the new Alex did best; run away. However, something told her not to. She closed in on Olivia and whispered into her ear the best parting words she knew "…_and_ _I was never even here at all…" _and kissed her cheek. She slowly backed away when all of the sudden, Olivia started screaming. This screaming was not an I-hate-you-scream. This was a blood-curding scream that pierced Alex's ears so badly she had to cover them. It lasted for so long, and with Alex just being The Spectator, she just stood there.

Oh, what is this? Is this the stopping point for the second chapter? Wait, oh my, did she just leave me with a cliffhanger for the third chapter? ;]


	3. Back to the dust where I began

ok, so I am terribly sorry for the cliff-hanger. It was just that I didn't know anymore than you did as to how the story was going to end.

personally, i don't like this chapter as much as the last two. maybe because i forced it out. so i didnt read over it as carfully as i should have, so if there needs to be clarification as to what the hell just happened i will be glad to share my thought process.

oh, thanks for all of the lovely reviews :D they made me laugh in class when i read them on my phone. ( shhh.)

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Olivia woke up screaming as if she had just been killed. She has seen Death. She knows His exact hair color, and the exact shade of white His suit He wears when he comes to take you away. She has touched Death. She has looked death in the eyes and slapped him across the face. She has insulted Death and cheated Him. Meeting him once again would be a blessing compared to what she saw in front of her. She saw Her Death standing right before her. No, this was not Him; this was the closest thing to it. This was Alex. This was not her dream, and this was not death. This was Alex just silently standing and watching.

"I hate you." Olivia softly said. She pulled back the sheets and got out. She almost walks passed Alex, but stops. They now are beside each other facing opposite directions.

Alex chokingly replies, "… I know."

"No you don't know!" Olivia turns around screaming. "You don't know the Hells I've seen because of you are too scared to pick up a phone!" "You don't know what I have been through because you never cared!"

She was now looking into the ice eyes that she had learned to hate over the past four months. Those eyes. Those froze every emotion and word of hate speech she was about to say. It was if they froze her every ember of hate and malice. When she stared at them, she saw the same guilt, self-loathing, and self-inebriation Olivia now sees in her eyes every day. She stood there staring at what used to be love. Now all she saw was cowardness.

"You smell like stale liquor," Olivia blankly said.

"And you smell like lost love." Alex said, trying not to cry.

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The sun was now rising over the towers of New York. The light was coming into her windows and the pinks, reds, and oranges, illuminated Alex's face. Olivia could now see that this was not Alex. Alex would have been screaming right back at her. She would be telling her that Olivia's life could not have been as bad as going into the Witness Protection Program, and how dare she ever make a comparison. The old Alex would not have just stood there.

After a moment of silence, Alex finally spoke up. "Olivia, I…I…I think I'm going to leave."

As Alex turned around and started to walk out of the room, she could now see the half-open bottle and empty bottles of Vodka strode across the room. She could now see that Olivia had become her own nightmare. Alex knew that Olivia was living in her own personal hell that nobody else could see. She now knew that Olivia had never planned to stop loving her.

Olivia, noticing Alex's hesitations, quotes:_ "Tonight, the bars turn out there lights. And I drink away the day as it decays." _

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Maybe it was the proverbial sunrise that came into the room. Maybe it was Olivia's hand that was now on Alex's back, or the fact that Olivia now right beside her ear whispering in her softest whisper, "You were never The Spectator. The Spectator would have noticed the hell that I have become, and would have left. It would have stood there watching as I slowly killed myself with the love that never died with you."

She then wrapped her arms around Alex's waist from behind and pulled her close.

Alex and Olivia stood there for what seemed like forever. They watched the sunrise together, holding on to each other close. For once Alex knew that she was home. Alex turned around and for the first time, they stood there gazing into each others eyes. They both saw the longing and desire that never died. They saw that the sunrise had saved them from an eternal hell. They now saw that the war was over and they could finally come back home.

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song is "Liquor and Lost love" by Bring Me the Horizon (no surprise there.) sorry for ranting about liquor. i just think it's amazing as to why people drink. R&R?


	4. I was never even here at all

The last chapter to _The Spectator_; "Death Is a Fucking Promise, That Haunts You Every Night!"

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The New York sun had risen, illuminating the room that not too long ago was her own personal box of hell and despair. One could not know what kind of loathing that resided in the walls of this room. One could not know what kind of blood these floorboards contained. Nobody could know the guilt that the bed they now stood beside held within itself. Death, not too long ago stood at her door, waiting for an excuse to come in and see how life had been treating the detective. If one thing was true, death was a bitch and didn't take no for an answer. Death was Olivia's fucking promise. Alex was a fucking promise that haunted her every night.

_And the bells go chime, chime, ticking, ticking time. I am the spectator. I am the spectator._

The woman, who, not so long ago she wanted, and had avoided, was now holding her. This was the type of hold that Alexandra had craved. Every nerve in her was alive. This woman indeed had a spell over every breath she took. This woman, after all, had saved her from herself in more ways than one. Olivia was behind her, her stomach was against Alex's back, her arms wrapped tightly round the blonde-haired woman's petite stomach. Olivia's chin rested on her shoulder, and all they were doing was staring out the damn window. All they were doing was staring at the damn sun, and fleeing the warmth recirculating through both of there ever so cold and distant hearts. The older one had whispered something about being The Spectator, but the younger ADA couldn't listen. The woman's lips that she'd had so much hate stored up for were now mere inches from her ear. This sent a shot of adrenalin down to Alexandra's bones. This was the feeling of being in love with Olivia Benson. This was euphoria. Oh and how Alex had missed it.

Alex turned around from her now, regained lover's embrace. This is when cold blue eyes met dark bourbon brown eyes. This is when Alex, for once in three years, knew she was finally home.

"Alex, my knees are locking." said Olivia, still staring into pools of blue ice.

"Oh," Alex said sheepishly tapping Olivia's chest. Her and slid down to Olivia's. Blushing, she grasped Olivia's hand and led them to a sitting position on adjacent the bed.

The seemingly benign gesture reminded Olivia of what she had missed of Alex. She missed the way that Alex had once held her hand. She missed the way it fit in to hers just perfectly while they walked down the streets of New York. She had missed all the perfect things about Alex. On the bed, Alex had crossed her legs and this when Olivia first noticed that she was wearing shorts and a hoddie. These shorts accentuated her very long and lean legs. Those shorts reminded her that she had spent hours fantasizing about how amazingly good-looking Alex really was.

"Olivia, I'm sorry that I didn't come back," she said as she began to cry, "I…was so afraid…"

"Shh…, baby," Olivia, whispered wiping away her hot tears. Olivia embraced Alex and held her close. "It's ok, because we're here now and nothing can change that. What we have is forever."

They were rocking back and forth, when Olivia lay down on top of her pillow. She did this while Alex was still in an upright position on side of the bed.

Olivia closed her eyes, trying to remember everything that has happen in the past hours and years. She was drifting off to sleep when she felt Alex shift beside her legs and lay down beside her. Olivia didn't know whether to tell her to leave, because they still had a lot to work, out or to tell her to hold her. However, in time Alex asked the latter thought. "Let me hold you" was all Alex had said, when she wrapped one arm under Olivia and pulled her back into her chest. The last thing Olivia remembered was Alex saying into her shoulder: "I love you."

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When Alex awoke the cool flat sheets was the only thing she felt. The feelings sadness and confusion were arising inside of her. She almost started to cry. That is when she got up from the bed, and padded her sleepy self down the hallway to the kitchen. That is when she saw Olivia standing with her back to the counter and an arm wrapped around her waist and the other sipping a cup of coffee. All she was doing was staring at the apartment wall before her. Alex, not wanting to ruin her pensiveness, walked in front of Olivia, made her a cup of coffee, and stood beside her lover. They sipped in silence for a couple of minutes.

"Do you have court?" Olivia asked blankly with no emotion. Alex was glad she broke the silence.

"No. Do you have work?" she asked, matching Olivia's emotions.

"No." Olivia said, now looking at Alex.

"Why did you wake up early?" Alex asked, concerned.

"I wanted a cup of coffee, and so I could think about us." Olivia said. No emotion; not a hint of callousness, nor a hint of empathy.

"There is an 'us'?" Alex asked staring down at the floor.

"You're here, are you not?" Olivia said a smile peeking out from the edge of her coffee cup.

"I missed you, Olivia." Alex said

"Prove it…" Olivia had simply asked.

Alex, never a one to back down from a challenge, placed her coffee mug behind her on the counter. She then gripped Olivia's and did the same. She stepped in front of her and pushed her arm away from her side. Olivia, still trying to figure out what was going on, was compliant. Alex then wrapped her hand around Olivia's chin and then tilted it up. She did the obvious and deeply kissed her. Alex's was tongue asking for entrance into Olivia's mouth. She complied, allowing Alex to deepen the already beyond passionate kiss. Olivia had let go and all she could go was moan inside Alex's dominate mouth. Olivia's hands had no place to go so she put her hands on Alex's hips and pulled her close. Alex's hand found Olivia's stomach and moved it up her shirt rubbing her bare skin. This made Olivia become weak, and Alex had to support her so she could not fall. Alex let go of the kiss and then proceeded to bite Olivia's jaw with kisses. She trailed all the way down to the base of her collarbone. She stopped and stood there a moment, her face resting on Olivia's clavicle. Alex's hands started rubbing circles on Olivia's hips and the she simply said was "I'm sorry for all the shit I put you though. All the shit we have been through the past three years. I really do love you, and I really did miss you."

"Alex, _There is no ending between you and me_" Olivia respectfully quoted. "I love you and I want you to stay with me forever. "She was now smiling into Alex's shoulder holding her so close their own clothes could not breathe. "Now, I'm tired. Do you want to go back to bed?"

"In a minute," Alex said, "I have one more question"

"What is it, love?" Olivia asked, starting to sway.

"Who was that woman I saw you with at the coffee shop, around for months ago?"

"Ah, Alex, she was our new ADA. I was getting coffee, and she fallowed. You _were_ and _are_ the only woman I have ever loved."

In addition, with that The Spectator died that afternoon. The doubt that entered her mind and the fear that gripped her heart was gone. Every person, Alex thought, was The Spectator. Each had something that makes them not want to face reality. Everybody has something that makes him or her want to die. Only the true victors of fate rose above the haunting call of death.

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R.I.P the Spectator 1/16/10; I will miss writing totaly awesome death euphemisms about thee.

Fair well, see you in hell; I hope you rest in pieces. Sinuhe, I hate you, and you can take your self-righteous comments and your, quote: "STUPID MENTALY RETARDED FUCKED UP LESBIAN BITCH" Instant messages, up the ass, because we all know that's where you take it. :)


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